Monday, February 18, 2013

What I Know of Guilt

It can be debilitating.
It can be nauseating.
It can cause me to doubt myself.
It causes pain in relationships.
It often keeps me from seeing things as God sees them.
It sucks hope from me.
It takes my articulate voice and creates something I do not recognize.
As I dressed Thursday morning, I knew that I was in for a rough day. Scottie and I hopped in the car and off we went to school. Little did Scottie know, but for momma, the day was one of the days I dread most every year. Scottie walked to class and I sat waiting to meet with her teacher. I knew that if she had requested a meeting mid year with mom, then there was something going on...I hoped it was just a list of things to work on at home, but it was much larger this time.
I was informed that they did not believe our Scottie would be successful next year with only the support of her current Resource class. They believed that what she needed was to be in a program called Life Skills. Life Skills is an amazing program for many children, but Scott and I had hoped for years that Scottie would have more of an education...that she would have the ability to remain primarily mainstreamed. My immediate response is to cry and then this is when I lost my ability to be articulate. I sat in front of this sweet teacher and told her "School sucks. This sucks. I hate these meetings at school more than anything all year. It sucks." That's right. I am an educated woman...HA...I am an educator and this is all I could come up with! The only thought shooting through my head is "this sucks!" This conversation is not what I dreamed of when Scottie was born. This conversation is not the hope I clung to when we were given the diagnosis of mental retardation. This conversation always lurked around the corner, and we tried to ignore it, pretending it wasn't there.
As I left the 45 minute meeting, I could feel the guilt pressing down on me. Had we done everything we could for Scottie? We had not tried diet changes...not really. We never had the funds to do any outside therapy. We were told to check out different organizations and we did not do it. We never searched for other parents like us so that we could gain a support system and road map of what we should do for Scottie. We have not taken her to different doctors to try and find a more specific diagnosis. We never completed a genetics work up on Scottie. We do not read to her every night. If she does not want to do her homework, we do not make her. I jumped in the car and called Scott..crying and telling him how much we had failed as Scottie's parents. Then I sent a text to my best friends and told them that I was freaking out! Praise Jesus that He has blessed me with incredible, Godly friends who sent back words of encouragement and acknowledgment that this really did suck!
By the time I left for my evening ladies' Bible study, I was reminded by my Heavenly Father that He is not the author of guilt. Guilt comes from the enemy who wants to destroy my family. Guilt comes from the enemy who wants to make a Godly woman feel inadequate and place blame on the Creator. Guilt does nothing but cause destruction. My God is a God of conviction. Are there things that God is convicting me of in regards to Scottie? Absolutely! The self beating I gave myself earlier that day was NOT conviction.
What do I know of guilt?
It is not from God. If I know it is Satan's attack, then I can combat it with the Word of God. I can combat it through prayer and supplication. I can combat it because the One who was, is, and will be victorious calls me His child...better than that, He is the One who created my Scottie and loves her far more than her earthly mother and father ever could. Perhaps if I focused more on the Creator's purposes and hopes for Scottie and less on the earthly expectations, then Satan would not have this foothold.
"Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth." Colossians 3:2
What do I know of guilt?
It is not from God and I cannot allow it to cripple me or bind my parenting. Guilt is powerful and deceitful and it is not based on godly truth. It is NOT from God.