You Are Seen

Sometimes God gives me specific words that I am supposed to speak to someone or about something.  I cannot ignore the words...I try sometimes because I am not sure if I can speak or write them the way they need to be presented.  I doubt if I am capable or worthy to deliver a message.  Then the words just marinate in my brain...they come to life...I can see them, and that is when I know that if I do not share them I will miss the moment.  Someone needs to hear them, so here they are...

You are Seen

You are Known

A few years ago at a women's Bible study, I listened as a grandmother shared that she is sad because her daughter doesn't truly know her.  She felt like her daughter did not know her...see her. These words marked a moment in time for me.  I don't want to look up in 30 years and my daughters not know me.  My thoughts.  My heart.  My beliefs.  My hurt.  My story.  I did not want to look up in 30 years and not have a relationship with my daughters that was based on knowing and being known.  I came home and shared with Emma Grace what I felt and what I worried about, and her response was simple.  "Mom.  I know you.  I know you too well.  Please stop sharing so much."  She laughed at me and reminded me that instead of worrying about what might be, I should just live my authentic life today.  (God's gift in the shape of a petite, blonde child will always be one of my favorites.  One day she will be my very best friend and I cannot wait!)

A few months ago, I watched from the distance as a marriage fell apart.  The husband worked long hours and was often away.  He was working in order to provide a certain lifestyle for his family.  But his absence caused his wife to feel unseen...unknown.  When she decided she was done, she was done.  No turning the relationship clock back to the time when she felt fully seen my this amazing man of her dreams.  The damage was done and she was tired.  She wanted desperately to be known.  I don't want to wake up one morning and feel like Scott doesn't know me.

A few weeks ago, I had two conversations with two different teenage girls.  They were struggling to find their place at school.  They explained that they felt like no one truly knew who they were and if they did know, they didn't feel like they would be accepted.  Two amazing, young ladies who struggle with forming close friendships because they either couldn't or chose not to play the part of the American Teenage Girl.  Was there a guide on what to wear, what to say, and how to act?  Were there other girls who felt the same way, but just didn't let their guards down in order to allow truth to prevail?  Truth of how desperately they just wanted to be known and to be seen.  I don't want to walk into a room of "friends" and feel like I am putting on a show.  I don't want to go through life playing a part.  And I certainly don't want that for these young ladies!

After my conversation with these sweet girls, I just couldn't shake this feeling that we are desperately failing the next generation of women.

If women were able and willing to be totally transparent and honest
If women were able to share their failures
If women were able to be free to live their life authentically
If women modeled to the next generation that their self worth came only from God
If women believed that God created us perfectly
If women understood that they were truly loveable
If women were kind to other women without judgment
If women would stop comparing
If women spoke words of truth
If women encouraged other women
If women loved God above all else...above husbands, children, family, friends, possessions, power, status, etc.

Maybe then women would feel seen because they would know with every ounce of their being that they are seen by the One who created them.  When we begin to feel known by an all knowing God who does not need us to explain who are or what we think, then we can live our lives being known by others.  When we agree to live our lives in truth and to act courageously, then the next generation will have a much better chance of becoming all that God designed them to be. 

We ALL want to feel connected to someone.  We seek this connection through people, service, work, success, and various other ways.  This sense of connection is part of us.  God created us to want this connection because this connection is what draws us to Him.  As we connect to God, we will no longer try to fill the void with people and stuff of this world.  As we connect to God, we begin to feel known and seen.  Because God sees us and knows, we are then able to live our authentic lives.  As we live authentic lives, we are able to be truthful with other people and share our hearts.  When we share our hearts, we begin to feel connected to others. 

Oh sweet friends, that feeling of not being known...we have all felt it.  So many of us still feel it.  You are not alone.

I don't want to be unknown or unseen by my daughters, my son, my husband, the church, or the world.  I don't want to waste one more second living a lie.  I choose to see and know others and to be seen and known.  It starts with me. 

Dear Kindergarten Teacher

Dear Mrs. Kindergarten Teacher,

I find it necessary to pre-explain the upcoming year for Zoey.  I think you need to have a full understanding of who this sweet child is and why this common occurrence (you know, going to school) has her mother acting like a crazy person.  I fully realize that this isn't something special.  Thousands of parents drop their sweet, baby-faced children off for their first day of school.  But for me, this first year of school is a huge deal and it is complicated and messy. 

Zoey at Kindergarten Round Up

Zoey is special.  Yes, I realize ALL children are special.  And I love all of my children and adore them and their first year of school was just as dramatic and traumatic for me.  I have issues...another letter for another time.  Zoey is our bonus baby.  She is either our "you are doing a great job with this parenting thing so here is one more for you" or "oh boy do you need a do-over so please don't screw this one up too".  Zoey is the only child in our home who still thinks her mommy is beautiful, perfect, and can do no wrong.  The other kids have my number and their eye rolling or blank stare full of judgment and silent thoughts is in full force.  But Zoey will still crawl up into my lap.  She still tells me a hundred times a day that she loves me.  I know that I am still her person.  I also know that school was created to ruin that for me.  (Sarcasm...maybe...)

Our Bonus Baby, Zoey Makenna Grace

Zoey has not been in MDO programs or preschool.  Ok there was a 3 month stint when she was 3.  She broke her leg and we pulled her out in November and she never returned.  I "homeschooled" her at home.  I use quotes because it wasn't super structured once Scottie went back to school.  She is super smart.  Super social.  Loves people,  She is freakishly good with numbers.  She knows her letters, sounds, numbers, colors and shapes.  She can count to 15 in Spanish and plays a mean game of "I Spy" in Español.  She cannot read.  Not sure how I failed in this particular area, but I did.  So learning to read is high on her priorities, so we greatly appreciate your help in this area.  Zoey doesn't know the words to Old MacDonald, but she does a mean lip sync to Meghan Trainor. 

Zoey is funny.  She is quick-witted and can make us laugh.  I could write a book about the funny things she has said or done, publish it, and make enough money to pay for her college one day.  She will most likely be extremely inappropriate.  I am sorry...ok, kind of sorry.  You see she is the youngest of 4.  Her audience is numerous and mature.  Her 17 year old brother and 15 year old sister have given her quite a bit of  comedic material.  She will most likely say penis and vagina.  I don't have time or energy to make up cute names.  It is what it is. 

Zoey and her sisters, Scottie and Emma Grace

Zoey will talk too much, too loud, and be super sassy.  She is kind and sweet and will make a good friend.  She knows what it is like to have someone in her life with learning differences and she is patient, caring, nurturing and so very accepting. 

Zoey's father is a "master" (pastor) at our church.  Please don't judge her or us by his occupation.  She will most likely tell someone the story of Jesus' death and resurrection, but she will embellish and add to the story.  With the older kids, I would have corrected her, but now I have decided that creative story telling is a gift.  It is totally a gifted and talented trait, right?

Speaking of "master", there are several words that Zoey says incorrectly.  I know I should correct her, but the truth is that I think organized should be n'organized.  Why change Zoey's word when it is in fact the best word.  Don't think we didn't notice the words.  We noticed.  We just liked Zoey's language better.

We are old parents.  I am no longer the energetic, super involved 29 year old I was with Jacob.  I am old.  Tired.  Busy.  When I cannot show up to something and there are other moms there, please do not judge me when my friend Jennifer shows up in my place.  I have learned with my old age that the only way to do this parenting thing is to have a village, and well she is my village. 

I detest homework.  Too many years of watching it suck my family time away.  I cannot stand it, but we will do it. 

I will encourage my girl to have a good day, to be brave, to work hard, but above all to be kind.  I will always tell her that how she treats others is the thing that will make me most proud and not if she can stay on green all day for not talking.  Her spirit and being a light to everyone around her is more important than finishing first and making the highest grades. 

When I drop Zoey off at school on Monday, I will not be excited.  I will smile and take her picture, but I will not be excited.  You see, Zoey going to Kindergarten is happening at the same time that my first baby, Jacob, begins his senior year.  No one should have a senior and a kindergartener.  It is just too much for my heart to take.  I remember stalking my Jacob the first week of school.   I would park my car with Emma Grace and Scottie buckled in the back watching a movie.  I would watch him walk around at recess all alone.  I just wanted to rescue him and take him home. 

As Zoey has all of these firsts, Jacob will have all of his lasts.  (Ugh and all of his new adult firsts.)

As Zoey prepares for elementary school and learns to read and write, Jacob will continue to become independent and prepare to leave our home.  As Zoey makes first friends, Jacob will be applying for college and choosing roommates. 

Jacob and Zoey

 

I am so sorry Mrs. Kindergarten Teacher.  I know that your job is to teach and serve your 22 students.  I know that each student has a unique story.  I know that the world does not revolve around Zoey, but for this mom the world does revolve around her kids.  Forgive me for the emails I will send.  Forgive me for forgetting to send forms back signed.  Forgive me for not volunteering 15 hours a week.  It isn't because I don't care about my child's education, but rather because I care too much about lots of people.

If you aren't sure who I am on the first day, I am the old mom whose old husband will be prying my old, wrinkled hands off of my sweet daughter's arms.  I will be the one who looks panicked and sad.  I will be the one whose daughter will pet my head and tell me that it is "ok silly mommy.  I have to grow up some time and I will still love you the most, but I need to learn now."  (Yes, Zoey is well adjusted and normal and excited about school...gag!)  I will not be high fiving the other moms celebrating the freedom gained when the kids are in school.  I will slowly walk out the room, looking over my shoulder to make sure that Zoey looks happy and confident.  I will check my phone and read a text sent to me from Emma Grace making fun of me and my melodramatic antics.

Oh how I hope you enjoy our Zoey.  She is loved so much by her family and our "village".  We get her.  Enjoy her.  I hope you enjoy her as well.  Zoey is going to change the world!

Sincerely,

Zoey's Mom

P.S. Did I mention that I already kept her home a year longer than she had to because I really don't EVER want her to go to school???

Shine BRIGHT my sweet girl!

 

10-Year-Old Amy

A few months ago, I reorganized our bathrooms, linen closet, kitchen, and files.  Every item taken out.  Cabinets and shelves cleaned.  New shelf paper put in.  Every item placed in the most efficient place and clearly labeled. 

While reorganizing our files, I discovered a couple of things.  1.) We keep things we don’t need.  2.) We don’t keep things that we should.  I labeled folders and reminded myself that although I loathe paper, I need to start keeping some important documents.  3.) I found in black and white what my next big step must be!

One of the things that I came across while cleaning out our paper work is a report that my 5^th grade teacher wrote about me.  I guess she was in grad school and had to observe and write a report about a student.  Guess who she picked...me!  Of course, my parents gave permission and when her report was finished she gave my parents a copy.  At some point, their copy made it to me, and I stuck it in our files.

It’s an odd thing to read about your own childhood from someone else’s perspective.  It has helped to give me a truer perspective about so many things, including who I am as a 41-year-old woman.

I want to share one particular part because it was a huge “a-ha” moment for me.  But first, I want you to know that I have very few childhood memories.  Nothing bad or traumatic happened to make me forget.  I just simply don’t have very many memories.  Scott remembers everything and everyone!  I just don’t.  So reading about situations, people, and events that happened to me is odd.  It is like I am reading about someone else and as it goes, we often see things more clearly when we are on the outside looking in…and boy did some things seem clearer.

“During Amy’s social studies class the subject of shyness came up.  The teacher explained that as a child their age, she was very shy.  The class as a whole reacted in a surprised manner.  The teacher went on to say, ‘Think of the shyest student in this class.’  Several students pointed to and replied, ‘Angelica.’  The teacher looked at Angelica and said, ‘Think of Angelica without all that talent (Angelica is extremely creative in art, expresses herself superbly in writing, and usually receives A’s on any work).  One student quietly said, ‘Amy.’  At that point, the teacher made no comment but went on with the lesson.  At the end of the day while the students were waiting for their bus, Amy came up to the teacher with tears in her eyes.  She had her head down to her chest and quietly accused the teacher, ‘You don’t think I have any talent.’  The teacher apologized, “I’m sorry, Amy, if you got that impression.  I was not indicating you had not talent.  You have a great deal of talent.  It’s just more hidden than Angie’s.  Not everyone can be as creative as Angie, but that doesn’t mean you are less capable.  In fact, you remind me a great deal of myself at your age: very shy and not sure I could do anything right.  I hope it doesn’t take you thirty years to find out how talented you are.’  Amy looked up with a grave expression, nodded, and went back to mingle with the few students left waiting for the bus.

(Next day)  Amy came into class with a huge smile on her face.  She came to the teacher... ‘Do you remember what you said to me yesterday about having talent?  Well, my talent is organizing.  I’m a great organizer.  I love to organize things.  My mom lets me organize her things at home.  Do you have anything you want me to organize?”…

My thoughts after reading these words…

1.) I would still react the exact same way.  I would still take the comment to heart and question my talents and abilities.  Why can’t I stop caring what others think of me? (another blog for sure)

2.) Ugh.  I am 41 years old and I am still doubting myself.  I still don’t know what to do when I grow up.  I still feel less than those around me.  I still don’t know what it is that I am most passionate about (other than being a wife and mom).

3.) Are you kidding me?!  Organizing was my talent at 10 and it is still my thing. Creating efficient ways of storing items and organizing a home comes naturally to me and I enjoy it. 

So what?

Last January Scott and I had our annual year-in-review and dream planning session.  They are usually lengthy and we try to cover every imaginable topic.  One of the topics we talked about was the feeling that I need to grow up and do something I am passionate about and that something should be how I make money.  If I have to work, shouldn’t it be what I enjoy doing?  We talked about going back to school…but I have watched Scott take classes for years and he squeezes hours in the evening to finish papers, watch lectures, and take tests.  He falls asleep with a book on his chest and has settled for “getting it done without needing A’s” because that’s all he has to give.  I have NO desire to do that!  In our conversation, I shared that I like to organize and help other people.  I want others to not feel overwhelmed by piles and stuff, when they don’t have to feel that way.  Scott immediately told me to do it. 

I started to do research about professional organizers and began dreaming (I traveled this road once before 10 years ago and stopped).  Scott bought a website domain and created social media accounts, so that I could begin this dream.  I began to believe and then I stopped.  Fear crept in.  Fear of failure.  Fear of success.  What if it worked and others were willing to pay for my help.  Would I really be able to handle a business?  Would I be able to balance my home, busy family, and still give my clients what they needed?  Fear stopped me in my tracks.  Research halted.  Reading and fact-gathering stopped.

Then I read these words and observations of a 10-year-old Amy.  In 30 years, I am still stuck.  I know what I am good at and what I would enjoy doing.  But, I lack the braveness to just step out and do it.  I allow fear and self-doubt to cripple my ability to move forward. 

I listen to my 17 year old son, and he has big dreams.  I spent years trying to encourage a plan B, but now I want him to just go after it.  Live his dream.  I believe with everything in me that he can do BIG things and that he is talented and amazing.  Why can I NOT believe that for myself?

I want to bravely move forward and take a step.  If I fail, at least I tried.  If I have success, then my kids can watch me have a career for the first time doing something I love doing.  I need to do this for my kids, my family, my 10-year-old self... but it is imperative I do this for my 41-year-old self. 

Be Brave.

Now what?  I have no idea what to do or where to start and I want to run and hide. 

Be Brave.

Our Face of Autism

What does autism look like?

Autism changes your family.  Totally.  Completely. 

• You love your child differently.
• Your son doesn't hesitate to walk his sister onto a basketball court at half time to help her shoot a basket in front of all of his peers despite the fact his sister is wearing huge pink noise cancellation headphones. 
• Your oldest daughter loves and cares for her sister exactly how mom would when she sees her getting stressed and frightened, even if it means she misses something.
• The little sister helps her big sister with buttoning her clothes.  Not understanding why her big sister can't, but simply does it. 

Autism makes the easy things difficult. 

• Going to eat for dinner. 
• Birthday Parties. 
• Watching your son/daughter at a sporting event.

Autism alters how you think of the world…forever.  What seems like no big deal is a BIG deal. 

• The neighbors lawn people weed eating. 
• The stranger chewing gum. 
• The sprinklers. 
• The balloons that come through a restaurant with a group celebrating a birthday. 
• The whistles at a basketball game. 
• Your home not being perfect and orderly because there is a 5 year old and two teenagers who are actually living life in the home.

Autism makes life harder for your child.  It just does. 

• She has difficulty making friends, conversation, and forming relationships with others outside of her little circle. (And we have the most amazing circle for her.) 
• Her anxiety about noises stops her in her tracks.  Literally.  Stops walking and begins to retreat.
• Her ability to express and receive language (which is HUGE) is incredibly difficult.  So we don't always know what she is thinking, feeling or wants.
• Social situations are tough.  Like real work.  Like exhausting!

Autism sucks.

But, autism is also beautiful.

We love more completely because of autism.

We see God’s grace, mercy, and provision more clearly because of autism.

We see others differently because of autism.  It turns out that we all have something…may not be autism…but we have something that makes us different.  We all struggle.  Now we see the struggle and feel compassion for others.

We see the world through her eyes.  And some of the world is scary, but oh how we see the beauty because of autism.

We learn to talk about what someone else wants to talk about because of autism.  We are often wrapped up in what we want and what we enjoy.  But this child forces us to think about someone else and about what they want and enjoy.

We rely on our faith just a little more because some days are so SO hard, and our faith is all we have in that moment.

We exercise forgiveness more freely because of autism.  For one another.  For ourselves.

We are so privileged to have a face for autism.  It is an incredible face.  A beautiful face.

We are so privileged to have a laugh for autism.  It is the most amazing giggle, and you desperately want to hear it again and again.

We are so privileged to receive love from autism.  It is the purest, simplest love.

We are so privileged to experience the world through autism.  It is an amazing world.

Cate Scotlyn Denton is autism.  We are beyond thankful for her.  We adore her.  We like her.  We enjoy her.  We love her.  She is ours and we are hers.  She is our face of autism. 

As Autism Awareness Month begins, challenge yourself to see the face(s) of autism.  The diagnosis belongs to child/adult.  The child/adult can change your life in ways you never expected.  You will never regret discovering the faces (the lives) of autism.

 

MORE

In January, each person in our family picked a word for 2015.  I made a commitment to pray the word and the spirit of the word for my hubby and our children.  The more I pray for my family and explore the different roads these words have taken us, the more in awe I am of a God who desires an intimate relationship with me.  We took these words and painted a canvas for each individual word. We hung the canvases in the hallway that leads to our bedrooms.  We walk passed these words dozens of times in a day.  We are reminded of what we desired for our year.  I am reminded to pray for my family and to be specific.  There is one word that pops out among the others:  MORE.

Scott and I chose the word MORE for our Scottie.  On her canvas, the word MORE is inside a large circle.  I wanted the circle to be included to remind me of the legend of the circle maker.

The generation before Jesus' birth was in danger of being extinct because of a long drought.  Honi (the circle maker) walked into the village and drew a large circle in the dirt.  He walked into the middle and kneeled.  He cried out to God and asked for rain.  First the rain fell down as a light sprinkle.  Honi tells God that is not the rain he is praying for and then the rain turned into a downpour.  The rain fell so fast it began to flood the area.  Honi clarifies his prayer and asks God to send rain that fills cisterns and waters crops, but does not flood the land.  And God hears him and the generation is saved because of one man's courage and belief that he could ask God for the impossible.  Honi was specific.  Honi was demanding.  Honi was brave.

Oh this story resonates with my heart.  Scott and I have prayed for our Scottie.  We have.  But I had not prayed like the circle maker.  I did not draw my circle, plant myself in the middle, and lay out for God exactly what we needed.  In January 2015, we drew our circle and wrote the words MORE. 

Generally, this is what I have been praying for our Scottie:

Oh Heavenly Father
I know that you love our Scottie MORE than we could ever love her.  I know that you know our Scottie MORE than we could ever know her.  I know that you have a purpose and plan for her life that is MORE than we have ever dared to dream.  Lord only by your divine intervention and provision could our Scottie go to this school.  (Background:  We have wanted and tried to get our Scottie into a school that is incredible and therapy-heavy.  The cost is unreal.  Insurance was not helpful.)  Lord we need you to act.  We need you to provide the money.  We want MORE for Scottie. Far MORE than anything we ever thought was possible.  We believe that there is MORE potential in this child in regards to her education, her future, and her daily living.  We believe that you are a sovereign God who is all powerful and can move mountains for Scottie.  Lord we are asking that you move some mountains and give her MORE.  
It is in Jesus' Name I pray.  
Amen

While I prayed this prayer, Scott made phone calls.  He called the school and was told that we really need to get a separate insurance policy for Scottie.  A policy that would help cover the cost of the school.  We tried to figure out how we could work the monthly premium into our already tight budget.

Then one Tuesday, I was informed that my position at work was being eliminated.  The money that I made from this part time job (a job that allowed me to work from home and homeschool Scottie and Zoey) is how we pay for our daily living expenses like food, clothes, haircuts, etc.  I wish I could say that I handled this news with great faith and confidence, but I didn't.  I felt defeated and confused.  I had been praying for two months for God to do something huge and to provide a way for Scottie to go to this school.  A job loss did not seem like an answer.  The very next day, Scott calls me and says that we have until Sunday to apply for Scottie's insurance policy because the government open market deadline was quickly approaching.  What!  How can we apply for a policy that we cannot pay for?  I was ready to throw in the towel and declare that the school must not be for Scottie because we cannot afford it.  Thankfully, Scott did have faith and believed that everything would be ok.  He applied for the policy.

At the same time that Scott applied for the policy, he also applied for a grant from a local organization that helps families with autism.  Our hope was that they would help cover our yearly out of pocket cost for the school and we would only have to pay for the insurance policy.

The next week Scott comes home and tells me that he talked with this organization and the advocate was preparing the report to submit to the board.  She was asking for the out of pocket costs PLUS our monthly premium.  WHAT!  If the board approves her proposal, Scottie will be able to go to this school part time.  The therapy and one on one teaching is MORE than we could have dreamed for her.  Scottie did not receive a diagnosis of PDD-NOS (on the autism spectrum) until she was 9 years old.  She did not have early intervention or any therapy.  Everything I read about autism stresses the importance of early intervention.  (Talk about mom and dad guilt!)  A school that works neurodevelopment therapy, ABA therapy, music therapy, art therapy, and so much more into their every day teaching is AMAZING.

We soon discovered that the approval from the board would take some time.  The school agreed to let Scottie come a few hours a week believing that the money would be worked out in due time.  Scottie was excited, nervous, thrilled, hesitant, but above all else she felt loved.  Today Scott received the phone call that we have been waiting for... our grant has been approved.  Scottie's monthly insurance premium and the yearly deductible would be covered.  Scottie started summer school today.  She will go full time this summer.  (We decided that the more therapy and structure the better...at least for the time being.)  Honestly, I am a little sad and will miss my sweet buddy.  I have enjoyed homeschooling Scottie and watching her grow and blossom.  Mostly. I am in awe of our God who has worked out every detail in such a way that man could not have planned or dreamed. 

We drew our circle.  We prayed for MORE.  We asked God to do MORE.  We believed that there was MORE for her life.  Oh how I cannot wait to see what God will do IN and THROUGH Scottie's life.  I feel honored to have a front row seat for Scottie's journey.

God has deepened my belief and faith because He answered our prayers.  All glory and honor and praise for this answered prayer will be directed to our God who gives MORE to those who dare to ask.  I want to be a godly woman who draws her circle, kneels before her God, and dares to ask for the impossible.  I want to be a child of God who believes with childlike faith that her God can move mountains.  I want to be a follower of God who trusts that God has a plan..a plan to prosper...a plan that is far MORE than anything I could imagine or dream.  Becoming this person, starts with me.  I choose to pray BIG and pray for MORE.

Teach Me to Love

Teach me to love

I just reread Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis.  One of the reasons her story inspires me is the way she loves those around her.  She describes various encounters with men, women and children in Uganda.  Their physical needs needed to be met...food, water, shelter, medical care and education.  Through meeting these physical needs, she was able to demonstrate love to them.  She sees the village she serves through the eyes of our Creator.  She sees beyond their poverty, illness, and brokenness and sees beautiful children of God.

Teach me to love like this

Frantically, I flipped through the Bible searching for examples of how Jesus loved those he encountered.   I wanted to understand what it means to love the way Jesus loved.  As I sit here, the only words I hear in my heart and mind are found in John chapter 3.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him."  (verses 16-17)

Christ's love is sacrificial.  He died so that we might live.  He loves us SO much that he offered to bear our sins upon the cross.  He CHOSE us before we chose him.  He did not love us because we had something to offer him, but simply because he deemed us worthy.

Teach me to love unconditionally.
Teach me to love sacrificially.
Teach me to love selflessly.
Teach me to love others regardless of who they are and without judgment.

Often, I love others when it is convenient or beneficial for me.  What would happen if I loved others without the desire of recognition or self serving benefits?  What would happen if I placed God's will above my own desires or plans?  What am I willing to sacrifice in order to love like Christ?  Am I willing to step outside of my very comfortable box?

Prior to his crucifixion, Christ spent some time praying to his Father.

"Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me.  Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done."  Luke 22:42    

Jesus never stopped praying for God's will to be done above all else.  God's will for Jesus' life was for him to be the ultimate sacrifice.  Jesus put aside his own desire or fear for the will of God to take place.  Jesus never stopped focusing on his Father.  Because Christ's focus was on his Father and his will, he was able to love us so completely and fully.

When my focus shifts away from Jesus, my worldly desires run rampant and I lose my footing on the beautiful path God has laid before me.  Oh how I pray that my fear, anxiety, and dreams do not pull my focus from my Jesus.  I believe that placing Jesus in the center of my everything is the only way I will be able to love like Jesus.

Teach me to love
Teach me to love my husband
Teach me to love my children
Teach me to love my family
Teach me to love my friends and neighbors
Teach me to love my church
Teach me to love my community
Teach me to love my world

Teach me to love like Jesus

Stop Putting the Brakes on Our Childrens' Faith

A good Christian parent wants their child to love God, obey God (therefore, obeying mom and dad), serve God, love others, and have good Godly children so that they have a strong Christian legacy.  

Maybe you wouldn't exactly say everything I said…maybe you would leave off the self-centered ending, but I am taking an educated guess that you are in fact a lot like me.  Maybe you aren't willing to write it down or say it out loud.  I do want good things for my children.  I do want them to be love, obey and serve God.  I am selfish and I want a Godly legacy that can be traced all the way back to me and Scott.

Over the last few years, there have been numerous studies that reported that "Christian" teenagers are stepping away from their faith when they leave the home.  The trend is that a large percentage leave with some returning to their faith when they start their own families.

I read an article the other day by The Gospel Coalition that reflected on a study Focus on the Family conducted.  Their results are less alarming, and as I read, my anxious mommy heart slowed down and I started to feel confident that my children would not become part of those who walk away.  When they asked the youth who walked away from their faith if they had a strong faith as a child, only 11% said that they did.  This means that the other 89% said that their faith was not strong.  They had been exposed to church.  They may have attended children's camp, DiscipleNow weekends, and small groups. Or any of the various church ministry programs that are offered.  But they didn't classify their faith as "strong."  

So why would they walk away?

Our daughter Emma Grace (age 12) came home from church camp last year and told us that she wanted to be baptized... again.  She was baptized when she was almost 6 years old.  We knew at the time that she was young, but she could articulate exactly what she believed and why she should be baptized.  We asked our children's pastor to talk to her and make sure that she wasn't simply answering the questions correctly.  Everything indicated that it was time…that she was ready…that she understood what it meant.

When we questioned her as to why she now wanted to be baptized again, her first response was that someone at camp said that it didn't count because she was so young.  WHAT!  Why do people say things like that?  We told her that we didn't want her to doubt her decision or decisions that she makes in the future because of someone's careless remarks.  I shared with her that there will always be people who will make comments that challenge your spiritual truths.  We told her to keep praying about it.

Scott grew up in a church tradition where you didn't get baptized again… it was a rare thing.   Once baptized, always baptized…so to speak.  His gut reaction was no…there was no reason…what message would that send.

Emma Grace prayed and prayed.  Three months later, as the next baptism at church approached, she asked.  We told her not yet.  I reiterated my fear that it would set a precedent for future years of doubt and uncertainty in her salvation.   Three months later, same story...

NIne months after camp, it was time for baptism once again.  Emma Grace said again that she would like to be baptized.  I asked her to explain to me one more time why?  Why now?  This time I listened to what she said.  Really listened.  She said, "If baptism is a public way to tell family, friends, and my church that I am a Christ follower, shouldn't I remember it?  I want to be able to share with my children one day about the day I was baptized and what it meant.  I have grown so much.  I know more.  I want it to mean something to me."  

Needless to say, she was baptized that week and her daddy had the privilege of baptizing her.  

I know that she knew as much as a 6 year old can know the first time around.

I don't doubt that Scott and I placed onto her our preconceived notions of what it would mean for her to get baptized again…what that could possibly imply about our parenting decision to let her at almost 6 or what it means about us to let her now.

I know this isn't news to anyone, but Emma Grace's desire to be baptized again was not about me.  It was not about Scott.  It was 100% about a young lady wanting to transition from her parents' faith to making this faith her own.  I spent 9 months telling this sweet girl no...are you sure…don't doubt…  She was sure.  She did doubt.  She knew that it was time to own her faith.  We were holding her back.

We go to church every week.  We take our kids on mission trips.  We serve the needy and homeless.  Scott is in ministry…it is his job to share the saving grace of the Savior and encourage thriving relationships with Christ.  Yet, we overlooked the importance of our children owning their faith.  We were gently pressing the brake on Emma Grace's faith.  

In this article, there was a quote by a Notre Dame Sociology Professor, Christian Smith.  He wrote, "Parents are huge, absolutely huge, nearly a necessary condition" for a child to remain strong in their faith into young adulthood. He concludes "without question, the most important pastor a child will ever have in their life is a parent."  
(http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2013/09/18/who-is-really-leaving-the-faith-and-why/)


Emma Grace's persistence to follow Jesus and be obedient to His calling for her walk is the most amazing reminder to me as a mom and Christ follower.  

• She taught me to stop worrying about what has always been done, what should be done, and to only be concerned with what the Bible says.
• She taught me to follow God.  To be persistent when someone tries to keep me from following God's direction.
• She taught me that her faith…Jacob's faith…Scottie's faith…Zoey's faith... is ultimately not about me.  It is about their personal relationship with Jesus and if I am faithful and obedient I will get to have a small part and the privilege of watching their faith in action.
• She reminded me that our children need us to pastor them.  Listen.  Shepherd.  Encourage.
• She taught me that I must stop putting the brakes on our children's faith.  If I continue to apply the brakes, I will keep them from discovering their faith and making it their own.  I am pushing my children into the 89% who walk away because their faith was never theirs…it was simply another to do on the long list mom expects of them.

Oh how I love the faith of a child.  

I want Emma Grace to love God, obey God, serve God, love others, and own her faith.  The legacy will follow.   And it won't be for my glory, but all for the glory of God. 

It starts with me.

Today I pledge to lift my foot from the brake.  Will you join me?