What I Know of Guilt

Guilt.

 

It can be debilitating.

 

It can be nauseating.

 

It can cause me to doubt myself.

 

It causes pain in relationships.

It often keeps me from seeing things as God sees them.

 

It sucks hope from me.

It takes my articulate voice and creates something I do not recognize.

 

As I dressed Thursday morning, I knew that I was in for a rough day. Scottie and I hopped in the car and off we went to school. Little did Scottie know, but for momma, the day was one of the days I dread most every year. Scottie walked to class and I sat waiting to meet with her teacher. I knew that if she had requested a meeting mid year with mom, then there was something going on...I hoped it was just a list of things to work on at home, but it was much larger this time.

 

I was informed that they did not believe our Scottie would be successful next year with only the support of her current Resource class. They believed that what she needed was to be in a program called Life Skills. Life Skills is an amazing program for many children, but Scott and I had hoped for years that Scottie would have more of an education...that she would have the ability to remain primarily mainstreamed. My immediate response is to cry and then this is when I lost my ability to be articulate. I sat in front of this sweet teacher and told her "School sucks. This sucks. I hate these meetings at school more than anything all year. It sucks." That's right. I am an educated woman...HA...I am an educator and this is all I could come up with! The only thought shooting through my head is "this sucks!" This conversation is not what I dreamed of when Scottie was born. This conversation is not the hope I clung to when we were given the diagnosis of mental retardation. This conversation always lurked around the corner, and we tried to ignore it, pretending it wasn't there.

 

As I left the 45 minute meeting, I could feel the guilt pressing down on me. Had we done everything we could for Scottie? We had not tried diet changes...not really. We never had the funds to do any outside therapy. We were told to check out different organizations and we did not do it. We never searched for other parents like us so that we could gain a support system and road map of what we should do for Scottie. We have not taken her to different doctors to try and find a more specific diagnosis. We never completed a genetics work up on Scottie. We do not read to her every night. If she does not want to do her homework, we do not make her. I jumped in the car and called Scott..crying and telling him how much we had failed as Scottie's parents. Then I sent a text to my best friends and told them that I was freaking out! Praise Jesus that He has blessed me with incredible, Godly friends who sent back words of encouragement and acknowledgment that this really did suck!

 

By the time I left for my evening ladies' Bible study, I was reminded by my Heavenly Father that He is not the author of guilt. Guilt comes from the enemy who wants to destroy my family. Guilt comes from the enemy who wants to make a Godly woman feel inadequate and place blame on the Creator. Guilt does nothing but cause destruction. My God is a God of conviction. Are there things that God is convicting me of in regards to Scottie? Absolutely! The self beating I gave myself earlier that day was NOT conviction.

 

What do I know of guilt?

 

It is not from God. If I know it is Satan's attack, then I can combat it with the Word of God. I can combat it through prayer and supplication. I can combat it because the One who was, is, and will be victorious calls me His child...better than that, He is the One who created my Scottie and loves her far more than her earthly mother and father ever could. Perhaps if I focused more on the Creator's purposes and hopes for Scottie and less on the earthly expectations, then Satan would not have this foothold.

 

"Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth." Colossians 3:2

 

What do I know of guilt?

 

It is not from God and I cannot allow it to cripple me or bind my parenting. Guilt is powerful and deceitful and it is not based on godly truth. It is NOT from God.

Resolutions

another new year

a list of more resolutions

goals

dreams

failure

disappointment

The new year always begins the same way...setting goals and dreaming of what I want for myself and our family.  I set out to make a plan to achieve these goals and work diligently for a few days, maybe a week or month, but the goal is never reached.

Last Saturday, my sweet hubby and I were on a date and Scott asked me what this year's resolutions were.  I responded, "Spiritual growth, diet, and exercise."  Duh...the same things that have been on my list for YEARS!  Sometimes I throw in something about money, our marriage, our perhaps my parenting.  I absolutely had NO intention to make resolutions this year because they end abruptly the same way every year...FAILURE...which leaves me living in a perpetual state of DISAPPOINTMENT.

A few days after our date night, I felt my mind drifting back to my yearly resolutions and questioning why I never seem to have success.  Am I not smart enough, determined enough, or simply lazy?  As quickly as I started to berate myself, one thought spoke louder than any other.

Instead of making a list, perhaps it is time to concentrate on one thing.

 

LISTEN for and LISTEN to the VOICE of GOD!

You see, perhaps if I stopped and listened only to the voice of God and NOT

the voice of the world
the voice of social media (love the posts about healthy living, diet, and exercise because instead of feeling inspired, I usually feel like a BIGGER loser)
the voice of television and movies
the voice of celebrities
the voice of well meaning friends or family
the ugly voice in my head
the voice of the world

then perhaps the way in which I view myself, my finances, my marriage, my family, and my life style would change dramatically.  Is failure an option if the One directing my path is God?  Will I be disappointed in small steps or huge steps, if it the One telling me when and where to step is God?  Will I stop striving for that ideal weight, if the One who created me whispers truth about my image?  Will I work diligently to love and care for His temple, if I listen to the One who saved me despite my sin and failures.? Is there not a high likability that if I spend time with my Savior and listen for His voice, that spiritual growth is guaranteed?  Will I spend money differently, if I listen to God's truth and see the world, possessions, and wants versus needs through His eyes?  Won't my marriage and children become a high priority, if I listen to the One who pieced our family together?

Perhaps instead of  a long list of resolutions, I simply need one and that is to listen.

Sure it may be January 11th and I didn't make this resolution on the 1st, but I hereby resolve to listen to voice of God.  I resolve to stop ignoring the Spirit when I feel conviction or prompting.  I resolve to respond to the voice when my Lord tells me to love the way He loves (others and myself).  I resolve to be who He created me to be even if it doesn't always match up with "weight charts" or the picture in a magazine. 

I resolve to listen to the voice of God.

2013:  The Year of Listening

Yes, I like that!!!!

R Word

The R word...

Over the last few months I have heard more and more people using the R word.  Adults, teenagers, children, men, women throw around the word retarded as an insult. 

"You are so retarded."

"I look retarded.  You look retarded."

"That's so retarded."

"Retard."

Just typing the words, the insults, makes me physically ill.  Every time I hear someone use the R word I feel like someone is punching me in the gut.  And it just isn't me...my son, Jacob, told me he heard a friend say retarded and he wanted to get up and punch him in the face (thankfully my Jake practiced the fruit of the spirit, self control, and didn't react negatively)!

You see when I hear the word retarded, I am reminded that

my daughter struggles in school to read, learn math facts, etc
my daughter cannot watch her brother play basketball because the whistles and loud noises are too much
my daughter hasn't had a positive "church" experience in the last few years because there was nothing for her
my daughter doesn't play and socialize with other kids her age
my daughter behaves differently and people look, and question, and judge her and us
my daughter becomes frustrated when she cannot do something that she knows other kids her age can do
my daughter is anxious about school
my daughter cannot eat a meal in a restaurant if the balloon lady is walking around making balloon animals
my daughter will crawl into the fetal position and cover her ears if people chew gum and pop bubbles and don't notice that she is withdrawing
my daughter will have a much harder life...life isn't easy for her...


You see when I hear the word retarded ...

my daughter's face pops into my mind
my daughter's laugh rings in my ears
my daughter's smile reaches my heart
my daughter's hugs wrap around my waist
my daughter's kisses are felt on my cheek
my daughter's incredible insight on life touches my soul
my daughter's love for her sisters and brother warms this momma's heart
my daughter's love for dogs makes me smile
my daughter's incredible memory astounds me
my daughter's observations of the things around her amaze me
my daughter's sense of humor makes me laugh
my daughter's face pops into my mind

The word retarded isn't an insult.  My beautiful daughter sees life in ways like no other person I know.  She is excited about the rain.  She laughs at the most delightful, inappropriate things.  She has made her mom, dad, brother, and sisters more compassionate human beings.  She has changed our lives for the better.  We can love others better.  We are more patient and less judgmental of those who are "different".  I am so thankful that God trusted us with this precious little girl and entrusted us with raising her and loving her.

I have had the honor to share Scottie and my mommy perspective on the flippant use of the word retarded.  I have heard one of my students chastising another for using the R word.  I have had young ladies and men approach me and apologize for saying the word.  I don't believe that these students or even most people say the R word with the intention to insult people with a low IQ.  It is an easy insult to throw around...a way to describe something...a word that society has accepted as an appropriate insult. 

My prayer and hope is that once you meet my daughter, the word retarded will no longer be a word that is thrown around with little regard to those who have a lower IQ or the families who love these amazing children of God.  My prayer and hope is that the word retarded isn't what defines my daughter but rather her life, love, and laughter is what others experience and remember.

The next time you hear (or perhaps slip up and say) the R word, I want this face and smile to pop into your head.

Scottie and her friend, Gus

Scottie with her sisters

Scottie wearing my wedding dress

 

Here is Cate Scotlyn Denton (Scottie)

 

She is a child of God.  She is someone's daughter,  She is someone's sister,  She is someone's granddaughter.  She is someone's niece.  She is INCREDIBLE!

 

"For You formed my inward parts;

You wove me in my mother's womb. 

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works,

And my soul knows it very well." 

Psalm 139:13-14

 

Tired of Being Offended

Scott is in ministry....his full-time job is working for a church.  He hasn't always been in ministry so we are still trying to figure it all out.  Ha!  We will never have it all figured out, BUT there are some lessons that I have learned over the last 4 years.  Interestingly the most important lesson or truth is a simple statement I heard while listening to a wise woman as she shared with middle school girls.

When you CHOOSE to be OFFENDED, you STOP being EFFECTIVE.

I spent these first years in ministry choosing to be offended...not all the time and not about everything, but regardless, every time I chose to be offended by someone else, I became less and less effective in ministry.  I found myself pulling away and going into self preservation mode.  I stepped away from ministries that I know God had called me to...I no longer served with the same fervor and passion...I stopped seeing people the way God sees them.  I didn't consciously say, "I am offended."  But by not keeping my eyes on Jesus, His calling and His truth, I allowed the offenses to steer me away. 

As I wrestle with this truth, I have to come to terms with the fact that I am not always at fault for the offenses.  The other party may in fact be offensive and hurtful, but my reaction to them is something I need to...must...100% own.  What hurts me is probably not something purposely orchestrated by someone else.  I need to get over myself and the idea that there are those who sit in their home plotting how to make me feel inferior, small, or insignificant.  How incredibly prideful I have been because it isn't about me!  I allowed the offenses to be about me and lost sight of what it is really all about...

Loving others.

Serving others.

Loving Jesus.

Serving Jesus.

Seeking truth.

Speaking truth.

God gave me gifts and areas of ministry that I was passionate about and I allowed the offense to outweigh the power of the Spirit within me.

Will I still be offended?  Probably.
Will others still say and do things that are hurtful?  Probably.
Will I allow Satan a win by choosing to be offended?  NO!
Will I allow the offenses to dictate how the Spirit can and will use me in ministry?  NO!

I cannot control others (I have tried).  But I can make an intentional choice to not be offended and allow God to continue to use me in ministry.

Scott started a new job a few weeks ago and for the first time since we have been in ministry, I have the ability to sit back and allow God to reveal His ministry for me.  There is no hurry or dire need that I must fill.  The best part is that the urgency I feel to get involved isn't because anyone needs me, but rather that I need (want) to serve.  I want to jump in and love, serve, share, and allow God to use me in the most effective way possible.

It starts with me.  I will choose not to be offended so that I can be effective.  It starts with me.

I simply must love them!

We recently returned from a mission trip to San Jose, Costa Rica.  As you might expect I experienced many things and had the awesome opportunity to serve with my husband, our son Jacob (age 13), our daughter Emma Grace (age 11), and 11 other amazing people. 

The church we served is in the process of opening a daycare for children whose parents If they did not have the daycare to go to, they would be left at home.  Many of these children end up as street kids...either dropping out of school or falling into the dark world of child prostitution.

Our children physically worked at the daycare...cutting down coffee plants (Jacob used a machete...WHAT?) and moving branches just to name a few.  However, the best part of the week was watching my kids PLAY!  They played hard.  Despite the language barrier, they played with children for hours and hours. 

Our first real work day consisted of working at the daycare and planning for the VBS we were hosting during the week.  I spent hours waiting for the director of the daycare to sit down with me to talk about what they wanted and needed from us that week.  I learned two important things during this sit down.

1.)  They needed us to help with the construction projects and the VBS was important, but what they really needed was for us to encourage them in the work they were doing.   I strongly believe that after we left what they will remember most about our team were the times we sat and talked and prayed.  They would remember that we didn't get upset when the schedule changed or that the bathroom our men wanted to build didn't get built.  They would remember that we simply wanted to serve them.

2.)  One of the communities the church reaches out to consists of the socialoutcasts.  One of the poorest areas in San Jose is down the road from this church.  They are refugees from Nicaragua.  They are poor.  They are not well liked by the Costa Ricans.  Their families are often broken and dysfunctional.  Their homes are made from whatever they can find...trash...when we pulled up to spend an afternoon with the kids, a roof on one of the houses fell off.  (Mom moment: Kids keep a good 5 feet from the houses, just in case.)  Our guide told us that incest is a common problem in this community.  Families live in small houses and sleep in one bed.  Moms are often at work while boyfriends stay home.  Young boys and girls have witnessed or experienced incest for generations.  What in the world could we possibly do to help?

As I sat on the bus, I watched the landscape change and all I could do was think about how could we help these young girls.  I couldn't stomach the idea of going to play for a few hours just to walk away knowing that their abuse would continue...who will fight for these girls?  My American mind was spinning and I wanted so much to ask the church what they planned on doing.  What could they do to help educate the men and women and keep them accountable for the well being of their children? 

We got off the bus and carried a trunk and suitcase full of bubbles, balls, fingernail polish, jump ropes, crafts, and so much more.  The kids (and their moms) start pouring into the fenced-in area where we planned on setting up our stuff.  Whenever we pulled an item out of the trunk, the kids (and their moms) started reaching and grabbing and asking...they weren't trying to hurt us; they just didn't want to miss out.  They have gone without for so long that a little bottle of bubbles is a treasure worth begging for...(Mom moment:  Kids shouldn't carry or handout anything, just in case.)

It didn't take long for our kids to jump in and play.  Jacob and the other boys started playing soccer with the locals.  No language necessary because playing ball is a universal game and form of entertainment.  Emma Grace found a little girl close to Zoey's age.  The little girl wore a t-shirt and a diaper and Emma Grace carried her around.  Some of our ladies sat down and painted faces and fingernails.  The three men on our trip are three of the finest, most godly men at our church.  They loved on these kiddos...having a positive male influence is a huge gift we were able to give these children.

The hours went by so fast and before I knew it we were packing up our stuff and headed back to our hotel...our kids were going to end their day with swimming, a great dinner (rice and beans, included), and then would fall asleep in their own beds (Jacob had a king size bed) in an air conditioned room.  We left that afternoon and there was no plan in place to "fix" anything.  There were no immediate answers and resolution; however, I learned the most amazing lesson.  Sometimes (ok most times) it isn't about fixing the broken, rather it is about loving the broken.  We showed up that afternoon with one goal in mind.  We were going to play and love on some of God's children for a few hours.  We wanted them to know that they are worth it.  Jesus came and loved the lost, broken, and sinful.

I don't have to be in a poor refugee village in order to love on the lost, broken, and sinful.  They are all around us...in every community.  They are at our churches, neighborhoods, and schools.  I don't have to fix them or come up with a plan to solve all their problems.  I simply must love them.

 "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This the great and first commandment.  And a second is life it:  You shall love your neighbor has yourself."  Matthew 22:37-39

"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me.  I was naked and you clothes me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me....And the King will answer them, Truly I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me."  Matthew 25:35-36 and 40

God's Whisper

Our sweet Scottie has asked every day since school has let out for the summer if tomorrow is a school day or if it is summer.  It would be one thing if she only asked once as she goes to bed, but that is not the case.  She probably asks no less than 50 times a day...50 times!  We try so hard to not get annoyed, and we simply answer her that it is summer! 

I wish Scottie had confidence in our answer. 
I wish she could just rest and have peace that she has weeks left until school starts again. 
I wish she was able to keep our answer and hold on to it and not doubt. 
I wish she did not feel anxious.

This afternoon in the car the question was asked again and my first instinct (after we have answered it numerous times already today) was to ignore her.  Then, I felt God whispering.

God wishes I had confidence in His answers, His Word, His Promises...in Him.
Jesus wishes I could just rest and have peace that He is in control and He will direct my path.
The Savior wishes I was able to hold on to the Truth and not doubt.
The Holy Spirit wishes I did not feel anxious.

Thank you Lord, for not ignoring me...

(My sweet Scottie how grateful I am that you continue to teach me lesson after lesson.)

The Beautiful, Precious Word of God

The last few weeks of this school year, my 8th grade students and I read God's Smuggler by Brother Andrew.  Honestly, I was not sure how the kiddos were going to feel about this book.  Would it mean the same to them as it did to me?  Would they be intrigued by Brother Andrew's journey and God-given mission?  Brother Andrew's mission was to minister and serve the "church" behind the Iron Curtain beginning in the 1950s.  On one of his early trips to Prague he attended a local church and it was there that he discovered something that would forever change his life.

Brother Andrew watched as people walked into church...a couple carrying hymnals, a few with Bibles, and an occasional person with a loose leaf notebook.  The following is an excerpt from this book.
"The service began.  I took a seat in the back and immediately had a surprise.  Almost everyone seemed farsighted!  The owners of the hymn books held them out at arm's length, high in the air.  Those with loose leaf notebooks did the same.  And then I realized: the people with books were sharing them with those who had none.  In the notebooks were copied, note by note and word by word, the favorite hymns of the congregation.

It was the same with the Bibles.  When the preacher announced the text, every Bible owner in the congregation found the reference and held his book high so that friends nearby could follow the reading,  As I watched those men and women struggling literally to get close to the Word, my hand closed over the Dutch Bible in my coat jacket.  How much for granted I had always taken my right to own this Book.  I thought that I would never reach for it again without remembering the old granny in front of me now, standing almost on tiptoe, squinting as she strained to see the words in the Bible her son held aloft."  (pages 94-95)

Because of this experience and knowledge that the "church" wanted and needed the Word of God so desperately, Brother Andrew began smuggling Bibles into the communist countries. 

When I read this passage, I was overwhelmed because I was reminded of a time when I could not get enough of the Word of God.  I spent hours pouring over scripture...I craved it...I was drawn to the pages, to the ink, to the message for my life.  I wrote notes along the side.  I underlined verses that spoke truth and encouragement to my soul.  The pages of my Bible are worn and beautiful and precious to me.  I can only imagine standing in service and squinting just to read along with the pastor.  I can only imagine the deep desire to have the precious words in my hands...to call the book my own.  These men and women would sit and transcribe the Bible onto loose leaf paper just so they could have it for themselves...can you imagine?

As my class and I sat outside talking about the book, I wasn't sure where our discussion would take us.  But once again these young men and women enlightened me and God impressed it in my heart that perhaps, these 13 and 14 year olds really get it.  They know where their generation is headed and they recognize that their parents' generation is accepting their path, but they are quietly saying that it may not be the best path and no one is stopping it.

I asked them the following questions and here are their responses:

• Does your church encourage you to bring your Bible to church?
• No. 
• Does your pastor read from the Word of God (in text form)?
• Some said yes.  Others said that their pastor reads from the screen or perhaps from an iPad.  Many said that it is not uncommon to go through a worship service without ever opening the Bible
• Do your bring your Bible to church?
• Many said they don't think about it, and once they get there they don't worry about it because it is on their smart phone.
• Do you think there is a difference between reading the Bible in text form and reading it on your smart phone or tablet?
• There was not ONE student who said that it was the same.  They all said that they felt like reading and studying the Word in text form seemed more personal and engaging. 
• I had another student point out that when he does read scripture from his phone, he gets distracted because he has access to facebook, email or the internet.  He said that the end result is that he doesn't have a full worship and teaching experience.
• Side note from me: I saw a man text or checking his email in church Sunday.  This distraction is not just for the 8th grader, but for anyone who uses their phone as their Bible.
• What God moments, God blessings, and God truths are we missing because we are multi-tasking?  (This comes from the queen of multi-tasking!)
• Do you think that your children's generation will own a Bible in text form?
• Most said that if their children did, they didn't think they would actually use them.
• What do you think about the advances in technology and the impact it is having on the "church"?
• Varying answers:  One student said she wishes they still had basic Bible lessons and Bible drills to help them learn verses and the books of the Bible.  She said that she thinks that the church is trying too hard to entertain them instead of teaching and inspiring them.  Another student said that he thinks that this is the path their generation is on, but wishes that his parents would help them stop it.  He wants his parents to encourage the Bible in text form...to discourage the use of the smart phone on Sunday morning.  He said that because his parents don't (and in many cases have also stopped using the Bible in text form), then he just goes with the flow.  Another student said that because the Bible is always with them (on the large screen at church or on their smart phone), she is missing the opportunity to think about the importance of God's Word by the very act of bringing it to church.

I could not believe how honest and real these millennials were in their responses.  They were impressed by the churches behind the Iron Curtain because they understood the importance and power in the Word of God.  They were envious of the lengths these Christians would go to just to have access to the Bible, and we take it for granted.  Sunday morning, the Word of God is not our first priority, but rather an after thought.

Statistically, the millennial generation is more technologically savvy than the generations before them.  They are also walking away from the "church" at a high rate for a variety of reasons, but the end result is that they no longer see the importance for organized religion.  Churches are trying to find ways to engage these millennials in their faith and are reworking their worship services, promotions, and events in order to try and reign in a few of the millennials as they walk away.  Churches across our nation are becoming more technologically engaging through videos, the web, social media, and by their teaching styles.  I haven't been in a church in over a decade where they didn't have the scripture on the large screen... so why bring your Bible?  What message is the church sending to the millennials?  We want them to know and understand that organized church has a purpose and place for their lives.  We want them to recognize the importance, yet we are not modeling the importance of the very Book we base our beliefs upon.  Is the church sending mixed messages?

I do not have the answer on how to keep the millennials engaged in their faith, but based on a conversation with 28 young men and women, I do not think the answer is to put our Bibles on the shelf.  I do not believe that this is what they want or need...they are following the lead of the generation raising them...the parents, pastors, and church staff who are trying to reach them but in the wrong way.

I came home and made a decision.  I will start with me and my household.  I will bring my Bible to church and when the pastor starts to read, I will open the Word of God and read along.  I will ask my children if they have their Bibles when we leave for church Sunday morning.  I will not pack away the beautiful, precious Word of God.  At home, I will encourage my children to place their hands on the text...I will pray they will fall in love with the Holy Scriptures and that they will be a generation that stands up to those who have gone before them and shout "We want to open the Word of God and we will put away our tablets and smart phones!"  I will not take my Bible for granted.  I will remain in His Word, His beautiful, precious Word.

"For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart."  Hebrews 4:12

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."  Psalm 119:105

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."  John 1:1-2